To A Single Girl for Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s day has been celebrated for centuries, in modern day it is widely celebrated as a day for lovers.  It’s not foreign to see people all over showering each others with gifts. Most commonly women are bestowed with gifts of flowers and chocolates while being wined and dined with hopes of men being obliged with lingerie and good lovin. Valentine’s day is a day filled with love and fuzzy feelings, unless you are an unhappily single girl. For every girl happily anticipating what her boo has planned, there are several more angry, bitter, and/or sad about the holiday. Years ago, I was one of these girls. I’d commune with my fellow members of the Lonely Hearts Club licking wounds from lovers past and moping about the fact that I was alone for yet another year. On years where I had recently experienced a love gone sour I’d literally cry about not having a Valentine. I wasted quite a few years having meltdowns and pity parties over Valentine’s day.


Somewhere in my early 20’s after wasting a few of years I decided that I’d had enough. I was not going to continue to feel sorry for myself and wallow in a pool of self-pity every year. I refused to continue to allow myself to feel reduced in worth simply because someone didn’t buy me some candy and take me on a date. It was a self-destructive attitude to have and nothing positive came from it. I always felt worse about myself and where I was in my life and it put horrible vibrations into the universe. Once I meditated on this for a while I picked up the phone and called my friend and made a declaration, “I’m abolishing Valentine’s day.”


“What?!? You’re crazy,” my friend laughed back at me. “How are you going to do that?” I’m pretty sure she thought that I had lost my marbles. “I’m done with this pity part every year and feeling bad about myself. This is stupid and I’m not doing it anymore. I’m abolishing Valentine’s day. In my world it doesn’t exist.” With that I threw away every negative feeling that I had been struggling with and never looked back. As the years progressed I stayed very single and though I struggled with other things, V-day was no longer a trigger for me. I blocked it out to the point that, even today, if no one mentions it, it’s not really a thought. In my last relationship, I really had to work hard to get into the festivities and honestly, I don’t remember how we celebrated the occasion. It’s just no longer important.


I say all of this to say, SINGLE’S STOP PUNISHINGYOURSELVES!!! Yes not having a Valentine’s can suck if that’s what you consider important to have, but it’s not depression worthy. I’d much rather have a meaningful relationship with someone than have a date and gifts just because of a day on the calendar. Rather than place your energy on what you feel you’re missing out on grab a couple of friends and have a night out on the town. Enjoy yourself and buy your own damn chocolates and flowers because no one should be able to outdo you loving you. Keep a smile and a positive attitude and before you know it you’ll have a man showering you with gifts and you’ll be obliging with some lovin too lol. (((Huggies)))

 

P.S. Readers that have overcome Vday blues, how did you do it? Share a thought in the comment section.

 

No One Wants to Hear Your Problems

Recently I was bombarded with a handful of problems back to back… Naturally I did what most people do; I reached out to my closest friends. I knew that they would have my back, give me comforting words, and make me laugh. Why wouldn’t I, we’ve been crying on one another’s shoulders for years. Except, this time it was different. One friend asked me was I okay but the other two went straight into telling me what I needed to and should have already done. Now on top of my hurt I was frustrated. After the first blow of problems a few more trickled in and I went to two of the 3 friends. One had sympathy but the other had began to say things that were really sugar coated statements of get over and stoop talking about it. By the end of the 2nd week the last friend was outright ignoring me talk. This was the second time in the last few months that something was going on and I didn’t feel support from my friends.

My initial reaction was anger. These are supposed to be my friends, it’s their job to listen to my problems, right??? RIGHT???  Well yes and no, your friends should be who you can come to in a time of trouble but they aren’t emotional garbage cans. I can think back to times where I had individuals in my life call me and ruminate for hours about the same situation. I’d sit on the other end listening laboriously to what they had to say to be supportive but secretly wanting to shoot myself in the head. Like it or not in that moment I was one of those people. As much as I loved those individuals I honestly didn’t want to hear whatever that had going after a certain point. Yes I cared to know that they were okay and I wanted them to depend on my but basically I was a sounding board for them while they tried to make sense of whatever was happening with and to them. After making this connection, I’ve allowed myself to give grace to my friends. It’s not that they don’t care about me but honestly, they don’t care about my problems. They have enough of their own and carrying on someone else’s is just a bit too much.

So then what do you do when you’re going through challenges? Find other outlets. The first thing I always do when I’m going through is pray (although now I realize I need to do waaaaaay more of that and less talking). I have found that when you pray the only person that can get tired of you releasing is you. You don’t have to worry about being judged, the wrong thing being said you, or feeling rejected when you don’t get the response you feel you need. Also, hobbies are beneficial. Growing up I did lots of arts and crafts with my mother. As an adult I find that they can be highly therapeutic. In addition, working out and journaling have proven to be constructive as well. Whatever your delight, place your energy in that. As a result you can become more independent and resilient. Win-wins across the board.

 

 

Conversations w/Friends Episode 1

I want to start a little series I like to call conversations with friends. Lots of times I have these interesting or motivational conversations with friends and I’d like to believe that I say some pretty good stuff. Later when I try to recreate what I said it never quite captures what I said in the moment. So I thought it would be cool to start recording some of my conversations and sharing bits of them with you.

 

To shed a little light on this conversation, I was speaking with a friend who was expressing concern for their ability to make sound judgment when dealing with the opposite sex.

Embrace the Single Life

Eventually I’ll get my life and post more frequently sooner than later #letuspray anyhoo…

 

A friend reached out to me and asked me if I had any advice on being comfortable being single. I may not be the authority but I think I know a couple things so I’m sharing them with her and with all of my wonderful wholistic beauties… The first thing I want to throw out there is that there is being single and being alone. I’m in a relationship right now but at one point I was single for a 7 year stint. While on that stint I went through several different phases but there are 2 places I want to focus on: 1) Being “occupied,” yet alone and 2) being alone. I will be honest the latter of the two options was a lot more challenging for me but both are fertile growing soil. In hindsight I don’t want to do it again (lol) but I’m glad I got the lessons.
Contrary to what some may assume being “occupied” yet alone was not pleasant. In fact, I think it’s probably one of the worst places a single person can be. Let me start off by explaining to you what it is. Being “occupied” yet alone is like having a mooching friend that comes over all the time. Sure they can be tons of fun and they make good company BUT they eat your food, use your wi-fi, open your juice without asking, spill all of their problems in your lap, then leave. You won’t hear from them again until they need another snack and a listening ear. That was my cute way of putting it but basically a friend with benefits or a “pizza boo.” You get a slice here and slice there but you rarely get the whole pie and you definitely aren’t the only person eating. Now before y’all get all up in arms with the “Naw I ain’t neva shared my boo thang we might not be together but we are exclusive…” I have to responses 1)Don’t play yourself and 2) It isn’t always a person. The other pizza consumers could be work, lack of maturity, lack on genuine interest, or simply any and everything else because you were never taken seriously anyway…
Option number 2, being alone, as I said before is more challenging but a great place to be. Often times we are so ready to be in a relationship but we rarely know what we want that relationship to look like because we don’t know ourselves. Being alone is not a death sentence, it’s really okay. I say “okay” because I can agree that there is nothing better that loving somebody and somebody loving you back you back yeah… (stops to sing for a sec) EXCEPT LOVING YOURSELF AND VIEWING A MATE AS A GREAT ADDITION BUT NOT A REQUIREMENT. It’s cliché but it’s true. I personally never fully mastered the ideology. In my single days, I viewed it as something coupled up people told singles to make them shut up. but truthfully, it has it’s benefits, assuming (for those that believe need for marriage in life) it’s a temporary stay. Take the time to focus on yourself. Contrary to popular belief you don’t magically know yourself. It takes you truly paying attention to and reflecting on those little nuances we tend to overlook and take for granted. Also, do things that make you happy, focusing on things that make you happy will make you happy. There is nothing more attractive than a happy, healthy, whole person so you might just get that man you’re hoping and wishing for.
I probably didn’t say some magical words that made you feel better but I gave you what I have learned. It’s definitely a lesson of the hard knocks and as unpleasant as it is, it’s necessary. So get cute, grab ya girls, and go have some fun. Mr. Right will pop up when you least expect it and you’ll be so busy having fun the wait will have been worth it and a helluva lot easier to endure because your outfit is cute and you met you new “honey do” at the bowling lane when you and your friends randomly got into a bowling match with the sexy group of guys in the neighboring lane.

But He Treats Me So Good…

One thing my daddy taught me growing up is that if a man really wants you then he’ll do what he has to do to get you. I believed him for a long time until I came across “him,” “he” changed the game and I.A.E.N.O. LOL. When we first started dating we both we were both fresh out of some situations (mines ugly of course) and were not looking for more (isn’t that how it always starts smh). Anywhoo we dated and had a blast, he was consistent, a great listener, and we legit had a solid friendship. He even took me out in the daylight this situationship might end up going somewhere after all right??? Wrong.

As lovely as things were I began to notice a few things. I never met any of his friends, I saw a couple in passing and at one point he has a roommate but I never truly met them. There was NEVER (over a few years) any significant interaction with friends; naturally family was also figments of my imagination based off photos and stories. There was no talk of the future and he tended to disappear randomly. One day I did the “status check,” you know the talk about where this was going in a nutshell I was told nowhere. But I was caught up so I opted to stay at status quo. He was going through some things and he needed time to grow. I’d just wait it out. LADIES NEVER WAIT IT OUT!!!

My “wait it out” lasted about 4 years… Now let me be clear, I’m a pimp by blood not relation so Nique-Nique was not twiddling her thumbs she had dates on deck and I fully enjoyed the liberties of being a single girl but I always had a myself on freeze (Think the song from LL Cool J and Lyfe Jennings.  BTW I hate that song that that’s another story for another day). I mean he was a great guy educated, great listener, thoughtful, funny, disciplined (I am NOT lol), consistent, and childless.  4 years later I was now doing the “objective check” basically a revamped status check. “Where is this going? Should I move on?” LADIES NEVER DO THIS EITHER. Every time I had this conversation I gave away my power and probably encouraged the relationship to stay stagnant.  It is ideal for any man an available, attractive, educated, attentive, childless woman who is waiting for you to choose her despite the fact that she knows you’re doing you.

I want to remind you that you are a prize and should never have to wait on a man. Know your worth and know that are truly more fish in the sea. Enjoy the sea before someone catches you up as their favorite dish. Part of how I stayed in that space for so long was because of fear that he was such a great guy and I would be missing out on a good thing. UHH HELLO I eventually realized I was just as much of a good thing and deserve to have someone think of me the same way. If things are meant to work out they will so keep it moving and if it doesn’t work out it wasn’t for you anyway.

Privacy is a Right Not a Friendship Ender

So recently I had a conversation with someone about friendships and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m confused. I was told that if someone is really your friend they are entitled to know you business and be included in major events. If said friend is not invited you don’t value them and should be prepared  to deal with the backlash of their reaction to not being made aware of or included in events such as marriages, weddings, pregnancies,  job changes, etc,. (Screeching record… blank stare). WHY THE EFF IS EVERYBODY ALWAYS FEELING ENTITLED ABOUT SOMETHING, ESPECIALLY THINGS THAT ARE LEGIT NOT THEIR BUSINESS?!?

Now don’t get me wrong I love all of my friends and I am pretty much an open book. However, the idea that I am wronging you because I choose to keep any form of a personal matter to myself for however long I deem appropriate is absolutely maddening to me. If my fiancé (law of attraction working here lol) only has 3 best friends and my sisters and favorite cousin are my first picks I’m wrong if I don’t make him find more males to accommodate my friends? If perhaps I happened to get pregnant and struggled with the fact that I was and needed time to process it myself before telling anyone, I’m in error? If I had been planning on relocating and I didn’t tell my friends until I had finished my research and secured a new job, I withheld information? WHAT THE EFF HAPPENED TO PRIVACY?!? Many people keep many things to themselves for various reasons, fear, embarrassment, pride, they aren’t ready to face it, or they just want to. Why should that be a testament of whether or not they value the relationship?

Once years ago I got in to an argument with a friend because I didn’t share some information with them as soon as they felt I should have. They felt that usually I told them everything so this situation should not have been any different. We hashed the situation out and I still share most of my thoughts with her but, if I’m honest, there have been times I struggled with that. Maybe it’s the rebellious side of me, but when in your friendship and you’re making decisions about what to do with your business based on how other feel about it, that’s a problem.  On the flip side when you measure your friends love for you based upon them owing you to tell them their business that’s a problem too. What I share with my friends is out of love, trust, and desire not obligation. I share because I want to. Thoughts???

The “Bad” Friend

“I haven’t made my decision yet. I’m just going to pray on it.” Never in a million years would I have thought a phrase like that would be the death of a friendship, but it was. The person on the other end of the line made a simple reply “I’m not going to say anything else. I’m just going to listen.” Sounds supportive, right?  Wrong, it was the DOA to a friendship and a harsh reality to a truth that I didn’t want to believe. My friend didn’t really care about me trying to figure out my issue as much as they cared about me taking their advice. Once I realized it I though back to all the times we had fallen out over the years and generally it was because I had said or done something they didn’t like. In addition, I noted that each time we reconciled our friendship it was because I reached out. WTF is wrong with me?!? I’ve been chasing after this chick like a lovesick teenager pursuing the affections of a crush that doesn’t want them. No cool, not cute, and not what I do.

After I finished having my “come to Jesus” talk with my mother and bff I had to take a sit-down with myself. Sure, I could be mad at the friend that had wronged me but people can only do what you allow them to do. With the amount of time this friendship lasted, I definitely had done some allowing. Was it intentional… no. Did I learn from it… yes. What I learned was that they were not the problem in this equation, I was. They had been consistent over the years. They never faltered or wavered in their behavior they gave me the real them. The problem came with me not believing them when they told who they were over and over again.

When formulating friendships they should be looked at the same way as romantic relationships. What does each of you want from the relationship? Do you have common goals and interest? Do your morals and values coexist peacefully? Most importantly do you all share the same ideologies about the purpose of the friendship and how friends treat one another? When building a friendship with someone you should thoroughly investigate it because even tough it is not romantic it is till a matter of the heart. We love our friends, we build life long memories with them, and we share some of the most intimate details of our lives with them. Often times our friends know us far better than our own families.

“Heavy heavy that ish so heavy ba-bay” (think Dreamgirls lol) Friendships were so much easier when we were children and letting someone cut you in line was all that was needed to prove loyalty. Now that life’s complexities have arrived so have the complexities to friendships.  But, to sum it all up, sometimes our “bad friends” aren’t necessarily bad. It might simply be that we chose the wrong candidate to fill the position. (((Huggies)))