Eventually I’ll get my life and post more frequently sooner than later #letuspray anyhoo…
A friend reached out to me and asked me if I had any advice on being comfortable being single. I may not be the authority but I think I know a couple things so I’m sharing them with her and with all of my wonderful wholistic beauties… The first thing I want to throw out there is that there is being single and being alone. I’m in a relationship right now but at one point I was single for a 7 year stint. While on that stint I went through several different phases but there are 2 places I want to focus on: 1) Being “occupied,” yet alone and 2) being alone. I will be honest the latter of the two options was a lot more challenging for me but both are fertile growing soil. In hindsight I don’t want to do it again (lol) but I’m glad I got the lessons.
Contrary to what some may assume being “occupied” yet alone was not pleasant. In fact, I think it’s probably one of the worst places a single person can be. Let me start off by explaining to you what it is. Being “occupied” yet alone is like having a mooching friend that comes over all the time. Sure they can be tons of fun and they make good company BUT they eat your food, use your wi-fi, open your juice without asking, spill all of their problems in your lap, then leave. You won’t hear from them again until they need another snack and a listening ear. That was my cute way of putting it but basically a friend with benefits or a “pizza boo.” You get a slice here and slice there but you rarely get the whole pie and you definitely aren’t the only person eating. Now before y’all get all up in arms with the “Naw I ain’t neva shared my boo thang we might not be together but we are exclusive…” I have to responses 1)Don’t play yourself and 2) It isn’t always a person. The other pizza consumers could be work, lack of maturity, lack on genuine interest, or simply any and everything else because you were never taken seriously anyway…
Option number 2, being alone, as I said before is more challenging but a great place to be. Often times we are so ready to be in a relationship but we rarely know what we want that relationship to look like because we don’t know ourselves. Being alone is not a death sentence, it’s really okay. I say “okay” because I can agree that there is nothing better that loving somebody and somebody loving you back you back yeah… (stops to sing for a sec) EXCEPT LOVING YOURSELF AND VIEWING A MATE AS A GREAT ADDITION BUT NOT A REQUIREMENT. It’s cliché but it’s true. I personally never fully mastered the ideology. In my single days, I viewed it as something coupled up people told singles to make them shut up. but truthfully, it has it’s benefits, assuming (for those that believe need for marriage in life) it’s a temporary stay. Take the time to focus on yourself. Contrary to popular belief you don’t magically know yourself. It takes you truly paying attention to and reflecting on those little nuances we tend to overlook and take for granted. Also, do things that make you happy, focusing on things that make you happy will make you happy. There is nothing more attractive than a happy, healthy, whole person so you might just get that man you’re hoping and wishing for.
I probably didn’t say some magical words that made you feel better but I gave you what I have learned. It’s definitely a lesson of the hard knocks and as unpleasant as it is, it’s necessary. So get cute, grab ya girls, and go have some fun. Mr. Right will pop up when you least expect it and you’ll be so busy having fun the wait will have been worth it and a helluva lot easier to endure because your outfit is cute and you met you new “honey do” at the bowling lane when you and your friends randomly got into a bowling match with the sexy group of guys in the neighboring lane.
Woo chile, when I tell you I have been tried… I HAVE BEEN TRIED!!!
As I talk and share with each of you about thinking positive and having a positive mindset, I’m learning myself. I won’t go into detail about the day’s events because I don’t need y’all to know me like that LOL. I will however, paint the picture. Imagine wearing a white dress and someone bringing you a big plate of messy aye-ess-ess barbeque. You quickly tell them you aren’t hungry and they insist you at lease take a doggy bag. The food isn’t desirable because your dress is gorgeous but you can live with the doggy bag. Problem solved. Except, your sticky fingered little cousin that loves you so much come charging at you, quickly you grab them by the wrist and gently give them an air kiss before redirecting them to someone else. Finally, you have a sigh relief and take a sip of water only to spill a little in your lap. Highly over “Operation: Protect the Dress” you take it off and wear something else. The dress isn’t ruined but you’re slightly inconvenienced and exhausted from the efforts you had to go through for the dress.
The dress symbolized my sanity today. I held on to it by a thin thread but it’s still intact. I constantly had to remind myself that even in the midst of the chaos God is completely in control and things will be just fine. I will be honest though; a thug dropped 7.5 silent gangsta tears LOL. Being truthful with myself the tears were necessary. Having a positive mindset doesn’t mean you won’t or can’t have “breakdown moments.” Crying is healthy and is a stress reliever, but we don’t stay in that space. Having a positive mindset means recognizing the challenge(S) you facing are temporary, knowing that things will get better, and moving forward from there. By early evening I felt like a wounded zebra trying to escape hungry hyenas. After releasing and holding on to positive thought I’ve managed to end my day with laughter with my loved ones and inspiration to share with you.
One thing my daddy taught me growing up is that if a man really wants you then he’ll do what he has to do to get you. I believed him for a long time until I came across “him,” “he” changed the game and I.A.E.N.O. LOL. When we first started dating we both we were both fresh out of some situations (mines ugly of course) and were not looking for more (isn’t that how it always starts smh). Anywhoo we dated and had a blast, he was consistent, a great listener, and we legit had a solid friendship. He even took me out in the daylight this situationship might end up going somewhere after all right??? Wrong.
As lovely as things were I began to notice a few things. I never met any of his friends, I saw a couple in passing and at one point he has a roommate but I never truly met them. There was NEVER (over a few years) any significant interaction with friends; naturally family was also figments of my imagination based off photos and stories. There was no talk of the future and he tended to disappear randomly. One day I did the “status check,” you know the talk about where this was going in a nutshell I was told nowhere. But I was caught up so I opted to stay at status quo. He was going through some things and he needed time to grow. I’d just wait it out. LADIES NEVER WAIT IT OUT!!!
My “wait it out” lasted about 4 years… Now let me be clear, I’m a pimp by blood not relation so Nique-Nique was not twiddling her thumbs she had dates on deck and I fully enjoyed the liberties of being a single girl but I always had a myself on freeze (Think the song from LL Cool J and Lyfe Jennings. BTW I hate that song that that’s another story for another day). I mean he was a great guy educated, great listener, thoughtful, funny, disciplined (I am NOT lol), consistent, and childless. 4 years later I was now doing the “objective check” basically a revamped status check. “Where is this going? Should I move on?” LADIES NEVER DO THIS EITHER. Every time I had this conversation I gave away my power and probably encouraged the relationship to stay stagnant. It is ideal for any man an available, attractive, educated, attentive, childless woman who is waiting for you to choose her despite the fact that she knows you’re doing you.
I want to remind you that you are a prize and should never have to wait on a man. Know your worth and know that are truly more fish in the sea. Enjoy the sea before someone catches you up as their favorite dish. Part of how I stayed in that space for so long was because of fear that he was such a great guy and I would be missing out on a good thing. UHH HELLO I eventually realized I was just as much of a good thing and deserve to have someone think of me the same way. If things are meant to work out they will so keep it moving and if it doesn’t work out it wasn’t for you anyway.
So recently I had a conversation with someone about friendships and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m confused. I was told that if someone is really your friend they are entitled to know you business and be included in major events. If said friend is not invited you don’t value them and should be prepared to deal with the backlash of their reaction to not being made aware of or included in events such as marriages, weddings, pregnancies, job changes, etc,. (Screeching record… blank stare). WHY THE EFF IS EVERYBODY ALWAYS FEELING ENTITLED ABOUT SOMETHING, ESPECIALLY THINGS THAT ARE LEGIT NOT THEIR BUSINESS?!?
Now don’t get me wrong I love all of my friends and I am pretty much an open book. However, the idea that I am wronging you because I choose to keep any form of a personal matter to myself for however long I deem appropriate is absolutely maddening to me. If my fiancé (law of attraction working here lol) only has 3 best friends and my sisters and favorite cousin are my first picks I’m wrong if I don’t make him find more males to accommodate my friends? If perhaps I happened to get pregnant and struggled with the fact that I was and needed time to process it myself before telling anyone, I’m in error? If I had been planning on relocating and I didn’t tell my friends until I had finished my research and secured a new job, I withheld information? WHAT THE EFF HAPPENED TO PRIVACY?!? Many people keep many things to themselves for various reasons, fear, embarrassment, pride, they aren’t ready to face it, or they just want to. Why should that be a testament of whether or not they value the relationship?
Once years ago I got in to an argument with a friend because I didn’t share some information with them as soon as they felt I should have. They felt that usually I told them everything so this situation should not have been any different. We hashed the situation out and I still share most of my thoughts with her but, if I’m honest, there have been times I struggled with that. Maybe it’s the rebellious side of me, but when in your friendship and you’re making decisions about what to do with your business based on how other feel about it, that’s a problem. On the flip side when you measure your friends love for you based upon them owing you to tell them their business that’s a problem too. What I share with my friends is out of love, trust, and desire not obligation. I share because I want to. Thoughts???
“I haven’t made my decision yet. I’m just going to pray on it.” Never in a million years would I have thought a phrase like that would be the death of a friendship, but it was. The person on the other end of the line made a simple reply “I’m not going to say anything else. I’m just going to listen.” Sounds supportive, right? Wrong, it was the DOA to a friendship and a harsh reality to a truth that I didn’t want to believe. My friend didn’t really care about me trying to figure out my issue as much as they cared about me taking their advice. Once I realized it I though back to all the times we had fallen out over the years and generally it was because I had said or done something they didn’t like. In addition, I noted that each time we reconciled our friendship it was because I reached out. WTF is wrong with me?!? I’ve been chasing after this chick like a lovesick teenager pursuing the affections of a crush that doesn’t want them. No cool, not cute, and not what I do.
After I finished having my “come to Jesus” talk with my mother and bff I had to take a sit-down with myself. Sure, I could be mad at the friend that had wronged me but people can only do what you allow them to do. With the amount of time this friendship lasted, I definitely had done some allowing. Was it intentional… no. Did I learn from it… yes. What I learned was that they were not the problem in this equation, I was. They had been consistent over the years. They never faltered or wavered in their behavior they gave me the real them. The problem came with me not believing them when they told who they were over and over again.
When formulating friendships they should be looked at the same way as romantic relationships. What does each of you want from the relationship? Do you have common goals and interest? Do your morals and values coexist peacefully? Most importantly do you all share the same ideologies about the purpose of the friendship and how friends treat one another? When building a friendship with someone you should thoroughly investigate it because even tough it is not romantic it is till a matter of the heart. We love our friends, we build life long memories with them, and we share some of the most intimate details of our lives with them. Often times our friends know us far better than our own families.
“Heavy heavy that ish so heavy ba-bay” (think Dreamgirls lol) Friendships were so much easier when we were children and letting someone cut you in line was all that was needed to prove loyalty. Now that life’s complexities have arrived so have the complexities to friendships. But, to sum it all up, sometimes our “bad friends” aren’t necessarily bad. It might simply be that we chose the wrong candidate to fill the position. (((Huggies)))