Your Life, Your Mistakes

Posted on by

0

One thing that I have learned in the last year is that it is essential to follow your own path even if it’s not what’s in “your best interest.” Most of my life I have always done what I was told. Growing up I was drilled with “obedience is better than sacrifice…” usually joined with a lashing to my backside should I choose to do the opposite. As a result, I learned to do what I was told or what I was “supposed” to do regardless of how I felt. Often as a young girl I befriended the wild girls living vicariously through them because I was far too afraid to misbehave myself. This mentality followed me into my adult and at times, I over think and over analyze a lot of decisions for fear of making bad decisions. As a crutch I formed a habit of taking counsel with my loved ones to assess my options before making a decision. The positive to this approach is that I have been able to avoid a lot of mistakes by learning from others. The negative, it can be a struggle to make independent decisions due to lack of confidence in self which brings us to my life last year…

Last year was a trip for me in regards to relationships. I lost some, I found an appreciation for some, and I have to face some truths and release others BUT I did it on my terms. Throughout the process a lot of people had opinions on how I should handle things. I tried to do things their way but it didn’t work. I lost sleep, licked wounds, and stressed out alone trying to do the wise and “right thing” while the “sound counsel” went on about their lives oblivions and at times insensitive to what I needed. Some of the people I expected to have support from only supported me when I did what they felt was best for me. The problem was that though well intended, they didn’t know what I really needed. Determined to break free of some things I did the “wrong things.” I spoke to people that I wasn’t supposed to, I said things I should have kept to myself, and I showed all my cards to poker players but in the end I was free. Things that had held me hostage for years began to melt away. It wasn’t sudden, it wasn’t dramatic, it was slow and steady but it was peace. At the end of the process I learned that not all “bad choices’ are bad. Sometimes you have to do unpopular things to get what you need. By no means do I want people to subject themselves to things that aren’t good for them just because but mistakes are necessary evils.

To pull this all together, I just want to encourage each of you to live in your truths. Never shrink down or suppress yourself for fear of mistakes or to make others around you comfortable. Mistakes are inevitable and you’ll never satisfy everyone. The most important person you must please short of God is yourself. You’ll never have a closer relationship with anyone else.  Trust yourself and get your peace on your terms (((huggies))).

Soul Cry

Posted on by

0

Don’t you hate that feeling you get when you want to cry but nothing comes out? You know, you get that pressure in your eyes and the water sometimes will even brim up in your eyes but… nothing. I came up with a theory a few years ago that when that feeling exists it means that your soul is crying. The source of this theory stems from the fact that the only time I get this feeling is when I feel overwhelmed. I get this indescribable feeling where I ache, not a physical, tangible pain; just a deep, heavy, intense… ache.

In times like these, I tend to dig deeper into my faith base and spirituality. I used to feel extremely guilty about this. One thing I never wanted to be was the person that wanted to get a deeper, closer connection to God when in trouble. For that reason, when things start looking up, I always run to prayer and the Bible. However I have learned over time that there is nothing wrong with running to God when in trouble, in fact that is what God does, he helps us when we’re in trouble. Now before someone gets things misconstrued, I am not saying that this should not be the only time one seeks God. But when you are in trouble go to him.

Occasionally I’ll have a few days of feeling this heaviness and it hits like a ton of bricks. Sometimes when  I feel like I’ve gotten my footing together, something else will happen. It’s like some type of evil twisted joke is being played on me. I do the usual drill you know cry, talk to family and close friends, pray, pump my head phones full of gospel music, read the Bible, and talk some more…nothing just that deep, heavy, ache. One of the last times this happened I just stopped. I took some time to quiet things down, stopped talking, stopped focusing on the problems and just… stopped.

No, initially nothing is changed in fact, everything stayed exactly the same I was no more wise than I was when the aching started nor did I have the slightest clue what to do next the only thing I know is that eventually truths will come out and murky waters will have to come clean. The only thing that I can do is be my honest and authentic self. As long as I can do that everything else will fall into place. Worry, sadness, and stress won’t profit me anything. I’m still trying to get a good handle on this concept. Knowing something and applying it are 2 different things but I challenge you today. When you feel heavy, take a load off and keep it real with yourself about how you feel about whoever and whatever. To heck with what anyone else thinks about how you feel and be true to you. Sometimes admitting things to yourself and the man upstairs is all that you need to set your soul free.

How I Combat Complaining

Posted on by

0

A bad habit of mine is that sometimes I can be a complainer. It’s a learned behavior but I won’t say who from because I’m sure someone I know would run back and tell on me and create all sorts of drama in my life. Sometimes certain revelations of truth aren’t worth the drama. Over the years it has significantly improved because it’s something I work on but it occasionally rises up. A few years ago it would be impossible to have a conversation with me without hearing me complain about something.  Whenever I complain, I’ve noticed that whomever I talking to will usually exit stage left and I am immediately remorseful. Sometimes I’ll even call or text a person back and apologize for unloading on them. It’s an ugly little habit and I will not rest until it is removed from my life.

One of the most helpful tools to combating my complaining was being introduced to The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Before watching that video the concepts of universal laws was foreign to me. Watching the video sparked something in me. I had heard these same things said in the Bible “As a man thinketh so is he…,” “There is life and death in the power of the tongue.” But for some reason, the way this message was relayed worked. After that I have strived to set my mind on the things that I wanted. I have not always been successful at it but it reduced my complaining tremendously. Applying the universal law of attraction along with Bible scriptures has given me a renewed approach to life. Most of us have no idea the amount power that we possess in our minds.

For those of you that feel that life has been unkind to you or if you’re simply dealing with unpleasant circumstances, stop right now and either watch or read The Secret. If you have Netflix you can watch it there. Not only does it explain the law of attraction, it also gives you testimony of people who have applied it to their lives and their outcomes. Just to be clear, this is not a quick fix. Applying the law of attraction takes effort but the benefits are so worth it. After you watch and/or read it let me know your thoughts.  It was a help to me and I hope it helps you too (((huggies))).

To A Single Girl for Valentine’s Day

Posted on by

0

Valentine’s day has been celebrated for centuries, in modern day it is widely celebrated as a day for lovers.  It’s not foreign to see people all over showering each others with gifts. Most commonly women are bestowed with gifts of flowers and chocolates while being wined and dined with hopes of men being obliged with lingerie and good lovin. Valentine’s day is a day filled with love and fuzzy feelings, unless you are an unhappily single girl. For every girl happily anticipating what her boo has planned, there are several more angry, bitter, and/or sad about the holiday. Years ago, I was one of these girls. I’d commune with my fellow members of the Lonely Hearts Club licking wounds from lovers past and moping about the fact that I was alone for yet another year. On years where I had recently experienced a love gone sour I’d literally cry about not having a Valentine. I wasted quite a few years having meltdowns and pity parties over Valentine’s day.


Somewhere in my early 20’s after wasting a few of years I decided that I’d had enough. I was not going to continue to feel sorry for myself and wallow in a pool of self-pity every year. I refused to continue to allow myself to feel reduced in worth simply because someone didn’t buy me some candy and take me on a date. It was a self-destructive attitude to have and nothing positive came from it. I always felt worse about myself and where I was in my life and it put horrible vibrations into the universe. Once I meditated on this for a while I picked up the phone and called my friend and made a declaration, “I’m abolishing Valentine’s day.”


“What?!? You’re crazy,” my friend laughed back at me. “How are you going to do that?” I’m pretty sure she thought that I had lost my marbles. “I’m done with this pity part every year and feeling bad about myself. This is stupid and I’m not doing it anymore. I’m abolishing Valentine’s day. In my world it doesn’t exist.” With that I threw away every negative feeling that I had been struggling with and never looked back. As the years progressed I stayed very single and though I struggled with other things, V-day was no longer a trigger for me. I blocked it out to the point that, even today, if no one mentions it, it’s not really a thought. In my last relationship, I really had to work hard to get into the festivities and honestly, I don’t remember how we celebrated the occasion. It’s just no longer important.


I say all of this to say, SINGLE’S STOP PUNISHINGYOURSELVES!!! Yes not having a Valentine’s can suck if that’s what you consider important to have, but it’s not depression worthy. I’d much rather have a meaningful relationship with someone than have a date and gifts just because of a day on the calendar. Rather than place your energy on what you feel you’re missing out on grab a couple of friends and have a night out on the town. Enjoy yourself and buy your own damn chocolates and flowers because no one should be able to outdo you loving you. Keep a smile and a positive attitude and before you know it you’ll have a man showering you with gifts and you’ll be obliging with some lovin too lol. (((Huggies)))

 

P.S. Readers that have overcome Vday blues, how did you do it? Share a thought in the comment section.

 

At 29 Baby Fever is Allowed

Posted on by

0

One thing that really grinds my gears is that every time I say I want children people quickly reply, “Don’t rush it.” Every time I hear that statement I want to roll my eyes and say, “Seriously?!? I’m 29. Say what you want but I don’t feel that there is anything wrong with an adult, male or female expressing their desire to procreate. It’s a human and natural thing but today’s society acts like it’s a crime. Maybe I’m wrong but if a sexually active adult has made it this far without ever being or getting someone pregnant they aren’t rushing. Also, people need to realize that there is a difference between desire and acting on a feeling.

Every time someone refutes my desire to have children I feel that they are suppressing my right both as a woman and human being. If I said I wanted to do anything regarding solely self (i.e. career move, relocation, buying a house, etc.,) people would cheer me on, encourage me, or express a level of empathy. However, when it comes to things outside of self such marriage and children, they encourage you to hold off like it’s the plague. My theory is that our society has no true sense of family and is highly narcissistic. Children today are often reduced to an additional cost expense and stressor. While I don’t disagree that these are very important factors and not to be taken lightly those are not reasons to discourage full grown adults from wanting and anticipating parenthood.

With that said, those who feel the need to jump in every time you hear a full, grown, adult mention wanting babies, DON’T!!! If no one asked your opinion keep it to yourself. Everything doesn’t require a response. Sometimes people want to get what’s inside of them out and there’s nothing wrong with that. Also, think about who you’re talking to. If they have been proven to be responsible and are over 25 chances are that they know not to have a kid by the seat of their pants, don’t insult their intelligence. Lastly, there is a difference between a desire and an act. People are allowed to want things in their life and if they did decide to act, it would be none of your business… Guess I felt some type of way when I wrote this LOL

Why I Wear My Natural Hair

Posted on by

1

“Ooh girl I can’t go natural, my hair is way too nappy…” Every time I hear a sista make this statement, I want to scream. Usually these women can smooth their edges down with a little hair gel and have wisps of baby curls on the back of their necks. Once I make these observations, my brain goes to my own hair. It’s thick, course, and has broken plenty of combs and brushes (pours a little wine out for my lost homies LOL). Next, I’m not going to lie, I begin to judge you LOL. Now just to be clear I believe that each person has a right to wear his or her hair however they choose. If you wear a relaxer I’m not angry at you; heck, 4 years ago I was one of you. What I am bothered by is your excuse. I’d rather hear you say “This is what works for me,” or “This is just what I want to do,” than hear you blame your natural hair texture.

I decided to go natural after all of my hair broke off. Prior to that I would have my hair relaxed every 6-8 weeks because my hair was “way too nappy.” The problem with that was that my hair was also way too processed. About once every 2 years my hair would get into a funky mood and just break and thin out. When this would happen I would just take about 3 months off and go back to my beloved “creamy crack.”  The first time I wore my hair in its natural state, I relaxed it 8 months in and I immediately regretted it. Firstly, the friend who relaxed it for me didn’t pull the relaxer through all of the new growth. As a result my hair was straight on the ends (I transitioned), puffy in the middle, and bone straight at the roots. I went straight to the beauty supply, bought an afro puff drawstring ponytail and never looked back.

Since going natural I have had ups and downs with my hair. Sometimes I wish I could just wear a wrap and go on about my day. While other days I relish in compliments men specifically give my hair. My Natural hair introduced me to a power that I didn’t know I possessed. It connected me to my culture and helped me to reclaim pride in myself exactly the way that God gave me. My “nappy” hair is a beautiful thing not a burden, so is yours. I am pro natural hair and encourage others to give it a try.  As cliché as it sounds, going natural helped me tremendously with being comfortable in my own skin.

No One Wants to Hear Your Problems

Posted on by

0

Recently I was bombarded with a handful of problems back to back… Naturally I did what most people do; I reached out to my closest friends. I knew that they would have my back, give me comforting words, and make me laugh. Why wouldn’t I, we’ve been crying on one another’s shoulders for years. Except, this time it was different. One friend asked me was I okay but the other two went straight into telling me what I needed to and should have already done. Now on top of my hurt I was frustrated. After the first blow of problems a few more trickled in and I went to two of the 3 friends. One had sympathy but the other had began to say things that were really sugar coated statements of get over and stoop talking about it. By the end of the 2nd week the last friend was outright ignoring me talk. This was the second time in the last few months that something was going on and I didn’t feel support from my friends.

My initial reaction was anger. These are supposed to be my friends, it’s their job to listen to my problems, right??? RIGHT???  Well yes and no, your friends should be who you can come to in a time of trouble but they aren’t emotional garbage cans. I can think back to times where I had individuals in my life call me and ruminate for hours about the same situation. I’d sit on the other end listening laboriously to what they had to say to be supportive but secretly wanting to shoot myself in the head. Like it or not in that moment I was one of those people. As much as I loved those individuals I honestly didn’t want to hear whatever that had going after a certain point. Yes I cared to know that they were okay and I wanted them to depend on my but basically I was a sounding board for them while they tried to make sense of whatever was happening with and to them. After making this connection, I’ve allowed myself to give grace to my friends. It’s not that they don’t care about me but honestly, they don’t care about my problems. They have enough of their own and carrying on someone else’s is just a bit too much.

So then what do you do when you’re going through challenges? Find other outlets. The first thing I always do when I’m going through is pray (although now I realize I need to do waaaaaay more of that and less talking). I have found that when you pray the only person that can get tired of you releasing is you. You don’t have to worry about being judged, the wrong thing being said you, or feeling rejected when you don’t get the response you feel you need. Also, hobbies are beneficial. Growing up I did lots of arts and crafts with my mother. As an adult I find that they can be highly therapeutic. In addition, working out and journaling have proven to be constructive as well. Whatever your delight, place your energy in that. As a result you can become more independent and resilient. Win-wins across the board.

 

 

Conversations w/Friends Episode 1

Posted on by

0

I want to start a little series I like to call conversations with friends. Lots of times I have these interesting or motivational conversations with friends and I’d like to believe that I say some pretty good stuff. Later when I try to recreate what I said it never quite captures what I said in the moment. So I thought it would be cool to start recording some of my conversations and sharing bits of them with you.

 

To shed a little light on this conversation, I was speaking with a friend who was expressing concern for their ability to make sound judgment when dealing with the opposite sex.

Dominique’s Weight Loss Tips

Posted on by

0

Growing up I was always very thin. Even as I sit here today at the heaviest I’ve ever been, most others consider me to be a little “thick” but overall still on the smaller end of the spectrum, average at best. During my adolescence I hoped and prayed for weight gain. My goal was to have thighs that touched and for men to look and me and proclaim “Damn girl you thick than a mofo.” Alas these days have arrived and there is nothing more that I’d rather do than drop 20 lbs and keep my thighs in their own respective spaces NOT touching one another LOL. It’s time to hit the gym.

I started back going to the gym in the fall and I’m not as consistent as I’d like to be, but I’ll get there. I struggle in the beginning to get going but once I start seeing results it pumps me up and makes me want to go harder. Probably my biggest challenge with losing weight is eating. I love to eat and I love to eat all the things that your aren’t supposed to.  I know how to eat well, cut out simple carbs, increase fruits and veggie intake, and portion control, but the lure of chocolate, pastries, and Harold’s 6 wings with mild sauce are almost too much to resist.  Darn you yummy morsels of delicious calorie filled foods…

One of my friends and I were discussing weight loss and she asked me what my game plan was for weight loss and my response was “Nothing.” Now for many of you that won’t work but if you’re like me the pressure of stringent rules and regulations on food will make you want to go on a binge eating fest of everything you’re not supposed to. SOOO, to help you out I’m going to share with you what has helped me over the years when I have lost weight.

  1. Take your time!!! – Don’t put the pressure on yourself to lose weight immediately. You didn’t gain it all overnight you won’t lose it that way either.
  2. Treat yourself don’t cheat yourself – Don’t starve yourself of the things you enjoy just limit the amount and frequency of it you have. For example, eat 3 wings with mild sauce twice a month rather that 6 wings every week.
  3. Stay away from the scale- Yes you want to k now how much you way but weighting yourself too often can cause you to become obsessive and can become a negative thing. Besides muscle is more dense than fat so you can be gaining muscle and losing inches. I much rather focus on how my clothes fit. Shoot I don’t know about you but my main goal is to look great naked… and be healthy too I guess lol
  4. Aim to learn– Over the years I have learned some things about food and eating properly is truly a science. Rather than obsessing over if what you eat will make you fat strive to learn what foods are good and bad for your body and why. Being told to eat complex carbs and not simple carbs means nothing if you can’t tell the difference between the two or understand that the complex carbs will burn slower and are more filling that simple carbs. Health is important and skinny and healthy are NOT synonymous.
  5. Have fun – If working out and eating well is not an enjoyable experience you won’t keep it up. The aim should be to change your lifestyle and for the weight loss to be permanent not just a short term change that will merely become a memory
  6. Lastly, give yourself grace – While on your weight loss journey there will be peaks and valleys, sometimes you’ll lose, sometimes plateau, and there will even be times you fall off the wagon and gain. It happens; you won’t be the first nor last to do it. Just dust yourself off and give it another go eventually you’ll get there.

Hope this helps some of you on your respective journeys whether you’re at the beginning or the middle. (((Huggies)))